I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Seas the day!!!!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I hate everything
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”