When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Breaking news:
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon