Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
my sentiments exactly
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory