If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’m not wrong
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”