three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.