Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Oh my god
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Autocorrect completely socks