Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.