Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
You Might Also Like
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class