I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
(2022)
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
That de-escalated quickly
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
barbara was highly relatable
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Never forget.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.