I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.