Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.