*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.