[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
🤣🤣🤣
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel