In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.