me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.