Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Can’t. Being lazy.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
definitely did not do anything wrong
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.