Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone