Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
The news
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.