Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
tis the season
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political