The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.