I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
There is no try. There is only give up.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤