Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.