My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.