I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.