Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Twitter fine art
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.