no their not
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Jogging
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.