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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.