To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?