Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You Might Also Like
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick