My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Meow
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.