I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
bad news gang
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?