Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.