friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.