Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I would like even faster food.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
me when the borders lift