I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”