DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe