The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me :
All Day At Night
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Respect
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Breaking news:
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.