Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫