There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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I support this random dude and all his protests
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My biological clock is wheezing.