If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
You Might Also Like
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.