Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.