My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out