Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture