WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I put the p in pants.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The old gods are rising again.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)