daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.