Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Note to self: I am a note
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.