I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.