[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Monday?
No. Next question.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
When news reporters do sports stories
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.