I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.