Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.